Obama returns Nobel Peace Prize

President Obama announced today that he's returning the Nobel Peace Prize. "It's just not fair for me to have this thing," the President said. "There's no way around the fact that our drone strikes end up killing civilians and now I have Dennis suing me for the Libya response. And for the record, that operation is not a war. It's a kinetic military action."

In related news, accused war criminal Henry Kissinger has decided to turn himself in. "I'm sick of carrying this guilt," the former Secretary of State said on Sunday.